Duality

I think everyone experiences the feeling of duality in some way or another. The universe is full of duality, so naturally so are we. Some people just feel the tug of opposing desires occasionally, some feel or believe that they actually are multiple people/personalities. There's a spectrum to how your contradictions play out in your consciousness, and it depends on how well these aspects of yourself can integrate. At the most integrated, we find ourselves as One. We hear all of the parts of ourselves as one cohesive voice, having already balanced out every push and pull. It seems most ideal in some way, but also maybe not somewhere to stay always. Consciousness can split into any different number you wish (perhaps there may not be infinite archetypes to do so with?), but the more you split your consciousness the less harmony that exists.

I find myself settled at two most of the time. I see the two parts in this way: One part is "Shayna". She is the part of me that has always had the light. She's pretty sure she's a good person but she's just following her nature. She attempts to control her destiny and is often disappointed. She is a representation of my conscious mind. The other part I call "Sabrina". She is the part of me that doesn't speak using words; the subconscious. She is quick, sharp-witted, and great at looking out her peripherals. However, "Shayna" didn't notice she was even there until 2012.

I turned my sight inwards, and there she was. And I was afraid of her, because I didn't know her. I took small steps to see what kind of person she was- I was. I learned to integrate her into my schema of myself. And to be honest, completely integrating never felt right. I have these moments, glimpses, of what it's like to be fully integrated, but the only way I can describe it in this moment is it didn't feel human. The humility of being human vanished and though I felt fully connected to the universe, I no longer felt connected to humanity. (Though the exception here for me is LSD)

So I live with my duality. I live through shifting world views, contradictory thoughts, the constant pull of one thought over another. Today I did a tarot spread regarding my past, present, and future from two perspectives (but both of them my own). The goal is to ask which voice to listen to. These are the results:

Past:
Shayna- The Chariot (Reversed): Failure, unresolved conflict, collapse, dissolution of dreams, apathy, resignation
Sabrina- Justice/Planks Constant: Truth and clarity to the contradictory or confusing. Cool objective truth that may not be expected, or wished for.

Present:
Shayna- Judgement: Reconciliation. Forgiveness and release of the past, altered view, new purpose.
Sabrina- 2 of Cups/Binary System (Reversed): Disconnect of hearts and minds, exiting a relationship that isn't right.

Future:
Shayna- Ace of Coin (Reversed): Material pleasure to the excess, wealth leading to unhappiness, spiritual poverty, anxiety, instability.
Sabrina- The Chariot/Special Relativity: Time and space are not absolutes. This is about the exercise of personal will, a struggle to master our unruly emotions and contradictory natures. Indicates that we have a certain level of mastery within ourselves.



What this reading told me was that I already knew the voice I should listen to. And it's the voice that knows better. I have been listening to the wrong side of me lately, and I don't like the future it's leading towards.