A Letter To My Younger Self

 

Hello friend,

    I know you feel very alone right now, but rest assured, I've been here with you all along. I know right now it seems silly to consider yourself to be company, but you will understand eventually. You've got some inkling of it now, I know you can sense me. Well you aren't crazy, it turns out we have a connection (you know, being the same person and all). I just have the benefit of having been both of us in order to see it. 

    A lot has happened for you lately. And it's going to take time to sort through. Hell, I'm still sorting through it eight years later. What you're experiencing right now, as the universe has so kindly informed you lately, is a descent into the underworld. The collective unconscious. The immateria. There is a lot to learn, and you are going to grow faster than you ever thought possible. You are going to do more thinking in just this year than some people do in a lifetime. Be patient with yourself, you're discovering that possibilities are endless. And you're going to get carried away a bit discovering new possibilities. Let yourself do it. This is an important step of the process. But when asking yourself what is possible, never forget to ask what is *probable*. That will keep you grounded, but curious. 

    You're also discovering synchronicity. Yes, I know it's overwhelming. And it seems so far beyond coincidence that you are seriously starting to question the very nature of your reality. Don't worry, everything is metaphor. The universe is a tarot deck, and you're just learning to read it at a time where your brain is going a mile a minute. I will give it to you though, there are some pretty intense conversations you have with the universe that I still don't know how to explain. I mean, I'm not really sure how to explain a lot of it, and while I will always try to understand it better- you get to a point where you don't always need to explain how it happens to know that it does. Magic, philosophy, and art give science a direction. 

    I know right now, you are trying to figure out what part James has in all this. He's the one who flipped that switch, right? He's the catalyst, and every sign is pointing at him. Learn more about soulmates, they're not what you think they are. Don't give him so much credit (good or bad), he is just a flawed and hurting human. He did not wake you up on purpose, nor is he awake himself. He is sleepwalking, and using powers that don't belong to him. No matter what I say to try to stop you, I know you feel that you need to do this. And maybe you do. But know that he is going to bring you a lot of pain. He is going to break you but you are going to put yourself back together SO much better, and you are going to help him on his path to heal his own wounds. And remember what I said, I'm right here with you to remind you that you will be okay. There's going to be a lot of regrets, a lot of things you feel stupid for, but just fucking do the thing anyways. Because you learn so much about yourself. We have all sorts of ideas about who we are, but we never really know until we're tested. And consider this your first big exam. 

    You are going to learn that you are courageous, kind, clever, and imaginative. You give people the benefit of the doubt, despite being able to see their darkness. You are (almost endlessly) forgiving, but you also are willing to stand up for yourself and create boundaries (well, the boundaries thing comes later. Sorry). 

    I wish I could give you more, but anything else would probably just be words until you learn it for yourself. You know, it's funny, giving myself advice that I already know I follow (mostly). But someone had to be the one to give it in the first place, right? Otherwise how could this loop start? Time travel, am I right? What a trip. Anyways, the future is good. You are going to connect with people, inspire them, learn from them, love them. You are being set onto a path right now that I'm still following. I believe in you that much. 

    Sincerely,

    The biggest fan of your life, Sabrina Florence.

Trust

I had another dream about you last night.
And as we laid there
My head on your chest
Our limbs entwined
I wondered what you had done
To earn so much of my trust.
And then I fell soundly awake.

Just A Thought

You are so, so special.
You are magic.
You are lightning in my veins.
You are the spirit,
The muse,
The mystery.

So why do you keep trying to be so normal?

The Crone

Last week, I got a deck of archetype cards. Similar to tarot, but it's a deck full of archetypal images (so almost like a full deck of major arcana). I pulled a single card to call out to me regarding my path and my purpose in a larger sense. The card I pulled was "The Crone". The part I found beautifully ironic was the part that said "ability to rise above the world of duality". My last writing was about the duality I live with, and I feel like this card is trying to tell me to move beyond it and reach for more.


Since I pulled this card, and since I have been learning tarot, it feels like all of my witchy sisters have been coming out from the woodwork to give me advice and push me down this path. The thing that has been difficult for me, has been seeing what it is I'm supposed to *do* as opposed to who I'm supposed to *be*. It seems pretty clear to me the person I am destined to become, but it never seems to become clear why. What purpose do I serve? Maybe that's the point. Perhaps I am not the person who is going to change the world, but rather the guide that gives them important advice. I am not Moana, I am her grandmother.

Maybe as the hero, the only person I am supposed to save is myself.

Duality

I think everyone experiences the feeling of duality in some way or another. The universe is full of duality, so naturally so are we. Some people just feel the tug of opposing desires occasionally, some feel or believe that they actually are multiple people/personalities. There's a spectrum to how your contradictions play out in your consciousness, and it depends on how well these aspects of yourself can integrate. At the most integrated, we find ourselves as One. We hear all of the parts of ourselves as one cohesive voice, having already balanced out every push and pull. It seems most ideal in some way, but also maybe not somewhere to stay always. Consciousness can split into any different number you wish (perhaps there may not be infinite archetypes to do so with?), but the more you split your consciousness the less harmony that exists.

I find myself settled at two most of the time. I see the two parts in this way: One part is "Shayna". She is the part of me that has always had the light. She's pretty sure she's a good person but she's just following her nature. She attempts to control her destiny and is often disappointed. She is a representation of my conscious mind. The other part I call "Sabrina". She is the part of me that doesn't speak using words; the subconscious. She is quick, sharp-witted, and great at looking out her peripherals. However, "Shayna" didn't notice she was even there until 2012.

I turned my sight inwards, and there she was. And I was afraid of her, because I didn't know her. I took small steps to see what kind of person she was- I was. I learned to integrate her into my schema of myself. And to be honest, completely integrating never felt right. I have these moments, glimpses, of what it's like to be fully integrated, but the only way I can describe it in this moment is it didn't feel human. The humility of being human vanished and though I felt fully connected to the universe, I no longer felt connected to humanity. (Though the exception here for me is LSD)

So I live with my duality. I live through shifting world views, contradictory thoughts, the constant pull of one thought over another. Today I did a tarot spread regarding my past, present, and future from two perspectives (but both of them my own). The goal is to ask which voice to listen to. These are the results:

Past:
Shayna- The Chariot (Reversed): Failure, unresolved conflict, collapse, dissolution of dreams, apathy, resignation
Sabrina- Justice/Planks Constant: Truth and clarity to the contradictory or confusing. Cool objective truth that may not be expected, or wished for.

Present:
Shayna- Judgement: Reconciliation. Forgiveness and release of the past, altered view, new purpose.
Sabrina- 2 of Cups/Binary System (Reversed): Disconnect of hearts and minds, exiting a relationship that isn't right.

Future:
Shayna- Ace of Coin (Reversed): Material pleasure to the excess, wealth leading to unhappiness, spiritual poverty, anxiety, instability.
Sabrina- The Chariot/Special Relativity: Time and space are not absolutes. This is about the exercise of personal will, a struggle to master our unruly emotions and contradictory natures. Indicates that we have a certain level of mastery within ourselves.



What this reading told me was that I already knew the voice I should listen to. And it's the voice that knows better. I have been listening to the wrong side of me lately, and I don't like the future it's leading towards.

2020 Vision

Deep breath.


Until this moment, this blog has been solely for the use of putting my poetry somewhere easily accessible. But, for several reasons, I've found it necessary to push myself to post not just new poetry (seeing that I haven't written anything new in almost three years now), but also to share more of the inner workings of my mind. The new additions I plan to add to this blog include (but are not limited to) more poetry, writings on specific topics, and tarot journaling. This is mostly intended for me to organize my thoughts, since they like to jump around and keeping track of them leaves me dizzy. I welcome anyone who already knows about this blog to follow along at their own risk, and know that if I share this with you in the future, I do so out of trust.

Now, the insipiration to make a new post after such a long time comes from a string of synchronicities. Honestly, so many it would be hard to name them all. But I have been wrestling with feeling as though I had fallen off a very important path, and was starting to feel lost and as though I had been awaken and then started drifting back to sleep. A few suggestions from the universe later and I was begging for a tarot deck to help me breathe life back into the magic within. To bring back the synchronicities and set me back on my path. Christmas came, and so did my first tarot deck: Quantum Tarot. A beautiful deck that combines the mysticism and archetypes of the tarot, with the logical, rational study of quantum physics. Beautiful. Two weeks later, and I'm already obsessed. Trading readings with friends, inspiring another friend to buy her own deck, and now being inspired in return by that friend to use my blog alongside a tarot journal (which I bought along with a second tarot deck called "The Fountain", and it's gorgeous).

So here we are. I'm setting my intentions and theme for the year. I have picked words in years past to represent my focus on the year, and at this point the only one I can remember from the past was Ego (2016). This year, fittingly, will be Vision. My intention is to focus on the vision I have for myself, for my community, and for the world. I have been on this path for nearly EIGHT years now. I've been reading, learning, experiencing, growing, and now is time to shape and form my vision in some clear, less nebulous form.

Ok. Now with the tarot journal.

So we start off with a little math trick to find my "card of the year" to focus on.

My birthday (10 + 26) = 36
Plus this year (36 + 2020) = 2056
Add those digits (2+0+5+6) = 13
13th Card = Death.

Well that's a start. I know the death card isn't literal, so let's see what my booklet has to say about this card.

"A Significant End. A time to transform. A time for mourning, loss, acceptance as a means to release, embracing the inevitable."

I can already think of a few ways this might apply to my life, and the challenges I have faced, am currently facing, or might be facing this year. It immediately brings to my mind the fact that I am a Scorpio. Scorpio is literally the sign of death & rebirth. The energy of our lives is a constant cycle of this. Unafraid to transform, and this is what I've been needing. Transformation. So I suppose what I need to focus on this year is, what is it that needs to change?

I've got a lot to say on this subject, but since this is a general thing to ponder for the year, I'll leave it without an answer just yet. However, I will now do a small spread to get started on some details. I've had a couple pretty on point readings today, so hopefully this one will be as helpful. This will be a past/present/future spread, asking nothing specific.


Past: the 7 of Wands (7 Being a number of Persistance, Wands being a suit of passion and will): Unshakable Determination. A man is being attacked in broad daylight by a gang with 6 wands. He is outnumbered but a quiet certainty emboldens his confidence; he will stand and defend his ground. The counter is expected, but was is more surprising are the faces he recognizes as some of his friends and colleagues. You may be in a situation where you feel opposed or betrayed but from this height, you have the advantage. Nothing can stop you from meeting this challenge head on.

Reflection: The significant moments of my past that this immediately brings to mind is events from the first chapters of my story. My awakening began with betrayal by a friend (gaslighting) and further betrayal from my boyfriend at the time, and all of my friends as they turned their backs on me even though I was clearly struggling. It took me a lot of strength to meet the barrage of challenges I faced in that time, but I made it through and it proved to me that I could do just about anything. When you take the ground away and leave someone floating, they can fall or they can fly. And I learned I could fly.



Present The 4 of Cups (Reversed) (4 is rootedness/ stability, cups is emotion, intuition, relationships):
Blind Disillusion. A man slumps in a corner, brooding over his current situation. What once has satisfied him, now brings boredom and discontent. He wavers between self-reflection and disillusionment but is dangerously close to melancholy. As he stews in his emotions, his ability to see another option is clouded. If he can shake the self-pity, he will remember that he has options and the bounty around him will start to become obvious again. When the Four of Cups appears in your reading, quit focusing on the empty cups; possibility is closer than you think. REVERSAL: Taking action, seeing possibilities, impending new relationships and experiences, a breakthrough in self awareness.

Reflection: Eek. This one is rough. There's a lot going on here, and it's regarding my romantic partner. I think at the beginning of our relationship, I was so focused on being happy to have someone to build a life with, that wanted to build a life with me. But as things went on it seemed clear we had different ideals of the "perfect relationship" and some things he needed me to bend on, I'm not sure I really could. But I did. And it's been nagging at me for a while now. I have brought up my concerns, and gotten really poor communication in return, leaving me feeling stuck between getting really frustrated and just pushing it back down again. I think the action this is asking me to take, is to force a decision over the future of our relationship. I keep worrying about what my future will look like without him, but I know where my path is heading and as things currently are, he holds me back from it.



Future: The Ace of Cups (Reversed)
Emotional Connection. Two doves (expressions of the Divine) hold a cup overflowing and replenishing itself with water- the effortless equilibrium of giving and receiving. The Ace of Cups is a fleeting gift of emotional connection; the beginning of something beautiful. Whether the connection is spiritual or earthly, it is an opportunity for growth and for an expression of love. When this card graces your reading, take advantage of your moment at this wellspring. REVERSAL: Unreciprocated emotion, dissatisfaction, instability, tainted happiness, false love, sterility.

Reflection: I feel like this represents the future regardless of what happens with my present situation. Whether me standing up for my own needs causes him to give me what I need, or he can't be that for me and it's not right, maybe that means the kind of give and take I need is coming from somewhere else. Either way, it's hope for me. I need to take the strength I have had in the past and apply it in the present to get to a positive future.



Well, that's it for now. A lot to think about and important conversations on my mind. I know I was probably a little vague, but the important details are all there.

ALCHEMY

You’ve got me caught in a moment

That feels like it might last forever.

A Schrodinger’s box of love

Where this is both everything I’ve ever wanted

And everything I’ve ever run away from.

I can almost feel your breath on my skin

Your hands on my wrists

The beat of your heart,

And it’s almost too much

Because I can feel you right there

Pressing up against me

But I open my eyes and you’re gone.

The days count down

To a collision of souls

And neither will leave unchanged.